grief is a nasty and unpredictable thing

Shutdown mode is a safe and comfortable place to be. I can pretend that nothing is out of the ordinary. It is truly amazing how quickly a day can disappear when I bury myself in marvelous time wasters and distractors like my DVD player and my computer games page. I can begin each day with enthusiasm and an ambitious to-do list, but then I pour myself a coffee, grab a book, and then notice that, "Oh my!!! It's 5:30. I need to prepare dinner. Sweetie-pie-love-of-my-life will soon be home from work." Not only does the day whiz by, but the months have whizzed by.

I try to pretend that I am functioning and coping and doing 'just fine.'

Best-sister-in-the-world called me up on it the other day. "Ellen, I don't think we are grieving well." She's right. In less than a year, among too many other grievous things that happened as well, we lost both of our parents. Orphaned much too young! The pain of missing them is sooo great that it is easier to pretend that they are still safe in their condo, ready to call me to be careful in the snow or to invite me to work a jigsaw puzzle. Best-sister-in-the-world has trouble staying home for even one day. I have trouble leaving my home for even one day. We hide our tears, and we smile--we are fine!

I notice that throughout my previous Coffeepaint blog, I never once mentioned what I was going through. Safe is pretty boring. I hear of artists who grieve and can barely be pryed from their studio because they receive comfort by working through their grief in paint. So why do I hide, wrapped in blankets on the sofa, planning which coffee flavor I'll try next, watching DVDs in oblivion? Why am I avoiding painting? Perhaps the act of painting is too hard because it is too honest. I can't pretend that all is fine and whole in my world when I smear my soul on canvas for the world to see.

Enough!

It's time to stop screening myself behind excuses (Oh, my studio is too full of boxes), and now I need to decide to get to work--like my pastor once said: when things are too difficult, do the opposite of what you feel. If you feel poor, give. If you feel tired, get busy. If you feel lonely, reach out to others.

A few of us have had to deal with much grief for awhile. Is there a better reason to have an art show? We'll call it, "When Life hands you lemons, make ART!" We tentatively set it for next month. It is just a little one, but it is enough to force me to sort, find, and paint.

I hope.....